Optical Assault

Before I begin I must make an apology. This blog is a judgmental tirade about a fashion choice I find deplorable. To any of you who choose to make this fashion choice for yourself I love you anyway and hopefully you will still love me after you read this. That being said, let's move on to the judgment.



Year after year I witness its return. Sometime after Thanksgiving it seems to slip back into existence like advent calendars and plastic lawn decorations. The Christmas sweater: an optical assault, an aesthetic aberration and proof that some fashion dont's will never go away. It is generally a heavily knitted garment that looks like it came straight out of 1987. Puffy sleeves, a tight collar and large stitches. I have seen no evolution in the design thus far. No three quarter length cashmere Christmas sweaters. Indeed, a hip or fashionable Christmas sweater must surely be an oxymoron. There is almost always a three dimensional aspect to the sweater. Bows, bobbles, bells and tassels tend to jingle and hang from the best of them. A knitted Christmas tree is one thing. A tasseled Christmas tree that blows in the wind is much more of an eye catcher. I have seen musical Christmas sweaters that sing when you press the appropriate character. I have seen blinking Rudolph noses and scratch and sniff cookies all sewed tightly to the already loud and ostentatious piece of clothing. I could write paragraphs on the seemingly endless varieties of this unfortunate choice of threads, but you get the point.

There certainly seems to be a certain type of person who chooses to don these ugly balls of yarn.
"Teachers and Nurses" my friend Kate labeled almost immediately after I brought up the subject.
True, but old ladies and small children can't be forgotten in the mix. Children could be forgiven, I suppose, for being innocent victims of the holidays. Haven't we all received a package from grandma and been forced to wear it's itchy, ugly contents? Holiday pictures of you in a plaid, reindeer laden garment circulate for years and your cheeks are pinched by white haired women beaming with approval.
As for the old ladies, it is a staple and surely we must also forgive them, as hard as it is to cast eyes on their fashion Faux Pas.
"Respect your elders" and what not comes to mind but my god, don't you want to save them from themselves? Surely it must be their overwhelming love for Christmas that makes them make rash decisions like wearing an outfit with a stocking for a pocket. In their blind obsession with yuletide merriment they can think of nothing more wonderful than putting on an oversize blouse with an intricate portrait of Santa's North Pole. Mr and Mrs Clause waving happily from a knitted paradise surrounded by candy canes and the occasional tassel.
It's depressing and visually nauseating but one can you do? There is no law saying those who wear ugly sweaters will be stoned in the streets.(and happy we should be, I suppose, that we live in a free country and all that) So we watch and suffer. We smile weakly and wave at the sweet old lady wearing three dimensional mistletoe, and pray quietly for the end to this madness.

Happy Holidays Y'all.