E= MC what?!?!

As far back as I can remember I have never really cared for the subject. Math, that is.
Nope, it's just never done it for me. I recall a letter my first grade teacher wrote my mother back in the day. In it was this indicative little sentence:

"Often times during math, Selene will come up to me and ask if she can go read a book."

That pretty much sums it up. I'm a right brained kind of girl, always have been. Reading, writing, arts and crafts, theater? I'm there. Math, science etc? I'll be over in the corner. Reading a book.

Why am I bringing up my least favorite subject in the world? Because I, after 9 years off, am finally going back to college. That's right, I'm gathering my wits about me and heading off to polish my brain in the land of academia. Being that I went to a rather free thinking liberal college in Vermont (I know, me liberal? Who knew?) I cleverly avoided the math card all together. There were no general education requirements at good ol' Marlboro College. None whatsoever, and I loved it!! I was in a liberal arts paradise, writing papers and reading away. After taking a "year" off to go explore it never dawned on me that I would have to sit through a math class EVER again.
Silly girl.

That "year" of has extended itself and I find myself back in the world of transferring credits and sending transcripts. "Gen Ed" requirements are something distinctly lacking from my liberal Vermont documents. Math being the most lacking of all.

"So, let's see...." said the secretary at the college. "What is the highest level of math you have completed?"

"Algebra." I reply.

"Algebra what dear?"

"Just algebra."

"Oh," she replies in a startled voice. "How old are you?"

"27."

"Oh," she replies in an even more startled tone. "So you mean, you...."

"I mean I just have algebra and that's it." I say testily. " I was in a special math class."

"Special?" she answers, obviously lost.

I take a deep breath. What the hell does this woman want from me? To spell RETARD out for her over the phone?

" I have a learning disability ma'am" I answer.

"Oh, oh I see dear." she says sympathetically. "And can you tell me what kind of disability it is? Is it well documented?"

"Me no speakee math" I say, trying to be funny.

There is a dead silence on the other line. I suddenly fear this woman is of Asian descent and my ridiculous, unfunny and potentially racially offensive joke has not gone over well. I try to redeem myself, not very successfully I might add, and we proceed into a reserved conversation about my mathematical issues. She explains that the far younger incoming freshman are already leaps and bounds ahead of me in the world of arithmetic.

"Some have already completed calculus" she states in what I find a slightly threatening voice.

What it comes down to is this: I have to take a math placement test to even register for classes. Even though my major will have nothing to do with the subject I must subject myself to it regardless. There are requirements after all. "Gen Ed" requirements. My fears and paranoias began to take over my thoughts. I could picture the test in a room full of 18 year old mathematical geniuses; their faces smug as they raced through the test at record speed.

"A pluses for all of you!" the teacher would declare magnanimously to his perfect pupils.

And then his brow would fall as he gazed upon my flawed equations.

"Have you completed third grade math Ms Klaas?" he would say disapprovingly, scowling up at my ashamed and sweaty face.

I know this is all foolish fantasy. Negative thoughts lead to negative results and I just need to suck it up and try my best. Being that I have the best boyfriend in five counties (if not the whole state y'all) I am brushing up on my rusty skills with my own bonified tutor. His name is Dustin and not only is he patient, kind and wise in the world of pluses and minuses, he is also delightfully easy on the eyes. Last night he sat down with me and walked me through long division for a frustrating hour and a half. Tomorrow we move onto algebra. I admit, some of it is coming back to me faster than I would have thought and the future test is not looking so grim. I am a lucky girl and watching him teach me, I cannot help but fantasize about the future and what a fabulous father he'll be. When our kids need help with geometry and the like he'll be such a great and patient teacher.

"Mommy doesn't know that sweetie" I'll say distractedly looking up from my book. "Go talk to him."

But for now mommy has to know it.

So she'll do her best y'all.

She'll do her gosh darned best.